When Anger is Trying to Tell Us Something

December 3, 2025 12am

Ira Hayes, LCSW, Director of Clinical Services

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions we see in the mental-health field. Some people say anger is “depression turned outward,” while others say depression is “anger turned inward.” You’ll also hear that anger and aggression are simply the fight-or-flight system doing its job when someone feels panic or threat. And the truth is there’s a piece of validity in all of these explanations.

What complicates things even further is how our culture teaches people to relate to anger.

For many, anger is seen as inappropriate. It's something to suppress, hide, or never let others see. For others, anger is the only emotion they feel safe expressing because everything else feels too vulnerable. So people grow up thinking anger is either shameful…or the only tool they’ve got.

But here’s the core truth: anger itself is not good or bad.

It’s a basic human emotion that is wired into every one of us, and like all emotions, it has a purpose. Anger can motivate change, set boundaries, highlight injustice, or signal that something in our life is out of alignment. The real issue isn’t feeling anger. It’s what we do with it.

Anger Is Human. Expression Is Learned.

• Where people often get stuck is not in the emotion, but in the expression. Many clients at Innerspace Counseling describe patterns like:

  
  

  • Lashing out at loved ones

  • Regretting reactions after the moment passes

  • Feeling guilty after acting on impulse

  • Shutting down because anger feels too overwhelming

  • Feeling misunderstood or “too much”

So when someone joins our IOP & PHP (Intensive Outpatient Program & Partial Hospitalization Program) services, with anger concerns, we’re not just asking what happened. We’re trying to understand the person because assessment drives intervention. Furthermore, how we conceptualize anger determines how we treat it.

DBT: Understanding Anger Through Action Urges

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), we teach that every emotion comes with an “action urge.” For anger, that urge is often:

• Attack

• Lash out

• Move against

This urge made sense evolutionarily, but in modern life it often creates conflict, ruptures, and regret.

DBT teaches clients to:

• Notice the action urge

• Slow down the behavioral impulse

• Choose a response aligned with goals, not emotion

• Build skills so anger doesn’t take the wheel

When clients learn this, something powerful happens. They begin to separate feeling anger from behaving in anger. And that distinction is where emotional freedom begins.

ACT: When Anger Comes From Anxiety and Control

For many people, anger is really anxiety wearing a heavier coat.

Anger shows up when:

• Life feels unpredictable

• People don’t behave the way we expect

• We try to control outcomes that can’t be controlled

• Our internal experiences feel overwhelming

Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps clients:

• Acknowledge their present moment experience, even when it’s uncomfortable

• Make room for the emotions instead of fighting them

• Identify personal values

• Take action consistent with those values, even during high-intensity emotional states

With ACT, anger becomes less of an enemy and more of a signal that something important needs attention.

Anger Isn’t a “Mystical” Emotion, It’s Treatable

In mental health, anxiety and depression often get clear treatment pathways. Anger, on the other hand, gets treated like a mystery, something people are expected to “manage” by sheer willpower. But anger is just another human emotion that responds well to evidence-based care.

At Innerspace Counseling, we specialize in treating anger by understanding the why behind the behavior using:

• Comprehensive assessment

• Functional analysis

• DBT skills training

• ACT-based acceptance and values work

• ERP-informed exposure to triggers, urges, and avoidance patterns

Because when we understand the real function of anger, we can target the right tools.

Final Thought

Anger doesn’t make someone dangerous, broken, or hard to treat. It makes them human. And when people learn to understand their anger, rather than fear it, they gain access to more choice, more connection, and more control over their lives.

If you or someone you care about struggles with anger, there is a path forward.

With the right assessment and the right evidence-based approach, real change is possible.

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