How Parents Can Use Evidence-based Tools to Help Kids Manage Big Feelings
Middle school is one of the most emotionally intense stages of development. Hormones are shifting, peer relationships are growing more complex, and academic pressure is increasing. Many parents describe this phase as “a rollercoaster,” and for good reason, middle schoolers feel things deeply and often act before they think.
At Innerspace Counseling, we teach adolescents practical, research-backed skills from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to manage strong emotions, reduce impulsive behaviors, and navigate daily stress. The good news? Many of these skills can be supported at home, too.
This blog will walk you through simple ways to bring DBT emotional regulation tools into your everyday parenting routines.
Why Emotional Regulation Is Hard for Middle Schoolers
During middle school years, the brain is still under construction. The emotional center (the amygdala) matures quicker than the part of the brain that controls impulse, planning, and problem-solving (the prefrontal cortex). This means your child may:
React quickly and strongly
Have trouble calming down once upset
Struggle to see long-term consequences
Feel overwhelmed by stress, embarrassment, or rejection
Need guidance in naming and understanding what they feel
None of this is a sign of “bad behavior.” It’s development. DBT provides tools to bridge the gap.
What Is DBT and Why Does It Help?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment designed to help people manage intense emotions, communicate effectively, and make thoughtful choices. In our adolescent programs, we teach skills across four categories:
Mindfulness
Distress Tolerance
Emotion Regulation
Interpersonal Effectiveness
For middle schoolers, DBT gives them a language for emotions and a roadmap for how to handle them.
DBT Skills Parents Can Use at Home
Below are some easy, practical ways to support emotional regulation using DBT principles — no therapy degree required.
1. Name It to Tame It (Mindfulness)
Middle schoolers often feel overwhelmed because they don’t know what they’re feeling. When you help them label emotions, it makes the feeling less confusing and more manageable.
What this looks like at home:
“It seems like you might be feeling embarrassed and frustrated. Does that sound right?”
“Your reaction makes sense. Anyone would feel overwhelmed after a day like that.”
Why it works:
Mindfulness supports emotional awareness, which is the first step toward self-control.
2. Create a ‘Pause’ Plan (Distress Tolerance)
A “pause plan” is a simple set of steps your child can take when they feel like they’re about to explode.
For example:
Step away to your room
Get a drink of water
Take 10 deep breaths
Use a grounding technique (like naming 5 things you see)
Parent tip: Practice the plan when your child is calm, not in the heat of the moment.
3. Build a Coping Toolbox (Distress Tolerance)
Kids need healthy outlets they can turn to when their emotions run high. Help them create a physical or digital “coping toolbox.”
Ideas to include:
Stress ball or fidget
Headphones + calming playlist
Coloring pages
A list of funny videos
A journal
Lotion, gum, or a scented item for sensory grounding
Why it works:
Having go-to tools reduces impulsive behavior and helps them ride out emotional waves.
4. The ‘Check the Facts’ Strategy (Emotion Regulation)
Middle schoolers often jump to conclusions: “Everyone hates me,” “I failed everything,” “My friend is mad at me.”
DBT’s Check the Facts skill helps kids slow down and separate feelings from reality.
You can model this by asking:
“What happened that makes you think that?”
“Is there another possible explanation?”
“What evidence do we have for or against this?”
This teaches critical thinking during emotional moments.
5. Build Their “PLEASE” Habits (Emotion Regulation)
DBT teaches that emotional regulation starts with physical well-being. The acronym PLEASE helps kids remember essential self-care:
Physical illness (treat it)
Low-stress lifestyle (reduce avoidable stressors)
Eat healthy
Avoid drugs/alcohol
Sleep well
Exercise
Middle schoolers don’t always link their physical habits with their emotional experiences. You can help them connect those dots.
6. Validate First, Coach Second
Validation tells your child, “What you’re feeling makes sense.” It’s not approval — it’s understanding.
Examples:
“I can see why that hurt your feelings.”
“You’re allowed to feel disappointed.”
“This is a lot to deal with.”
Once they feel understood, their brain becomes more receptive to problem-solving.
7. Teach Wise Mind
DBT talks about three states of mind:
Emotion Mind (ruled by feelings)
Reasonable Mind (facts only)
Wise Mind (the balance of both)
You can help your child identify which state they’re in and how to find Wise Mind by breathing, pausing, or grounding.
Try this prompt:
“Where do you think you are right now? Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, or Wise Mind?”
When to Consider Counseling
If your middle schooler is:
Having daily emotional outbursts
Engaging in self-harm or risky behavior
Struggling with anxiety or depression
Refusing school or withdrawing socially
Feeling overwhelmed most days
They may benefit from structured emotional support. At Innerspace Counseling, our clinicians use DBT and other evidence-based treatments to help adolescents build lifelong coping skills.
Final Thoughts
Middle school is a challenging phase, but it’s also one filled with opportunities for growth. When parents practice DBT skills at home, they give their children more than coping strategies, they provide stability, understanding, and confidence during the time kids need it most.
If you’d like support for your middle schooler or want to learn more about our DBT based Intensive Outpatient Program or Partial Hospitalization Program (IOP/PHP), Innerspace Counseling is here to help.